Liz’s Advice Blog

Dear Liz,
Can you see race?  If you can’t see it, then what is it?  And, do you know the race of Drew’s partner on Dancing with the Stars?
PS. feel free to edit for the maximum drollery effect.
-Kate Washington, DC

Hi Kate,

I, Liz, your sister, was uncomfortable when first reading your question, but I really do appreciate your challenge to my complacency.  I could use someone like you to light a fire alarm under me.  Now, bold-faced not afraid to address this issue, (stand back as) I will look into the uncomfortable specter of reality TV’s Dancing with the Stars:

Drew Lachey’s partner, Filipino-American dancer Cheryl Burke is a member of the human race.  Fellow Dancing with the Stars celebrity, American-American George Hamilton is a chimera. 

Race was originally taxonomized by 17th century European anthropologists (bunch of liars).  Today, biology can define race as a collection of genetic markers.  In a perfect world, we would be sitting here exactly as we are now, with nothing having changed, only that I, Liz, could instead be answering a question about ethnicity, and that my Crispin Glover dad were a writer of science fiction writing about the imperfect world we unknowingly used to know. 

Send me your CV,
-Me

Dear Liz,
I’m trying to think of a question right now, but here’s the thing…  I’m sick of reading clever hipster questions.  I don’t get why people need to be clever all the time now.  Why are people so afraid to be themselves?
-Bill Handover, MA

Dear Griff,

Liz is sorry you can’t think of a question.  We should do our best to march on as the question would have wanted us to. 

Why is everyone too cool for school?  Liz says it is because everyone is like a ballet dancer - visible and semi-naked.  This is frightening.  The most self-conscious hipsters know that the world could laugh at them at every turn.  Or shudder.  Or recoil.  Or worst case scenario fall in love.  The psychoanalytical term for this is "Bedwetting."

So this is where "fakers" first arose.  Fakers act like they’re having a good time, so that, least then, they have that going for them.  Many fakers go on to become accomplished producers and facilitators, as in the aphorism, "fake it ’til you make it." 

Fakers make it a point to try to induce the same controlled effect they’re terrified of inducing without trying - the spasm (of the diaphragm, stomach, and heart).  Neurologically, it’s complicated.

It is a little-known fact that 90 percent of all comedians are fakers.  The majority of the rest are fabricators.  Most of the remaining stragglers are story-tellers.  What’s left is liars.  Remember that this - in and of itself - is not bad.  Carlsbad.

Looking through the questions, I can see a few themes arising: a desire to understand others, a fear of dying alone, and a lack of common sense.  If the third could be redressed, perhaps we’d come to know the second is an eventuality and the first only as a myth.

Time will reveal who has substance and who does not.  And also, all the questions I answer are edited, by me, to increase drollery sometimes by up to 33% more droll.

Lepers are not afraid to be themselves, lepers have nothing to lose, and nobody likes lepers,
-Me

Dear Liz,
Why do people still use bullshit metaphors and miserable proverbs? Could you please state your answer in the form of either a proverb or a metaphor, and make at least one reference to Chuck Norris.
-Dan North Tijuana, CA

Dan,

Sometimes, some crimes go slipping through the cracks. It’s a real rat race, and some old dogs literally can’t learn new tricks fast enough to stay ahead of the proverbial game of life.  Do allegories get your goat, too, Dan?

Then wake up and smell some chicken soup for the soul (where chicken is a metaphor for a poly-ground chipmunk/rat/dog/goat blend):

One day, a group of four disparate animals banded together to make their way to the town of Bremen, where all the greatest musicians ate them.  But before their fate was sealed, the animals, whose names were Chanter, Anciano, Songe, and Belemente Chanticleer came upon a house where two nasty robbers were hold up.  Holed up? 

The robbers were so surprised by the four animals, all of them cougars, that they fled.  You may remember when I said they were disparate animals?  I meant they each had their own way of "winding down" after a hard day. 

The four friends entered the house, and helped themselves to a nice meal, free cable, long distance phone calls, and set a rug on fire, respectively, then left.  Something didn’t feel quite right.  It was Chuck Norris’ karate chopping them, roundhouse kicking them, and jumping on them from above.  Had they been 40 or had they been 400,000 cougars, would they have stood a chance?

Sometimes, the best way to beat your enemy is to roundhouse kick him with politeness in the face and solar plexus,

-Me

Dear Liz,
Should I buy a second pair of jeans just like ones I have now, so that I have two pairs - one more worn in, and one less?  Or, should I go to Iowa or Yale for law school?
-Roe V, IA

Roe,

I don’t know you very well so this is a decision you need to figure out for yourself.  I can help you weigh the options.

If you buy a second pair of jeans, then you will have two (as you generously explained me - thankee - it is no wonder Harvard accepted you and small wonder you turned them down).

On the other hand, if you go to Iowa or Yale for law school, you will make hundreds of thousands of dollars annually, and live a life most of us only dream about.  You could give charitably and maybe even one day you could become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Buy the pants. 

With fond wishes of "Go for it",
-Me

Dear Liz,
What’s the difference between me and you?
-Josh Washington, DC

Dear Josh,

You’re more evolved than I am.  I can barely feed myself.  It’s my background.  I was raised moron.

Moreover, we’re different genders.  I’ll live a few years longer than you on average.  Marriage decreases my lifespan, but it will increase yours.  I will be less capable of functioning under short-term stress, but more stable under long-term stress. 

I am more humorless, because, as a woman, I really don’t need to be funny.  You wear less interesting combinations of clothing and accessories, because as a man, you don’t need to be exquisite.

In one lab, mother female mice were given a button that, when pressed, dropped a baby mouse into their cage.  Scientists found that mothers would continually press the button, until the entire cage was filled with infant mice.  Male mice were found to exhibit the same addictive-compulsive behavior with a Staples "easy" button.

Don’t be a perfect stranger,
-Me

Dear Lizavetka,
Why did people start faking - laughter, orgasms, fun? Gotta go (it is before 9—haha—penguins march on the horizon), write the answer by midnight or a troll will come to get you and tickle your bum!
-Eva Brno, Czech Republic

Evivyetka,

This is a question for evolution.  Evolutionary biologists take up two camps when it comes to trolls: those believing them to have evolved from archia and, alternatively, from bacteria.  I think bacteria, but that’s just my gut reaction.  Heyo!

The human body contains more bacteria in the gastrointestinal tract than human cells.  95% of the cells in our body are not our own.  They are trolls, Eva, and they’ve already tickled my bum.

I think you’re right about fakers.  Fakers are jerks.  You can’t please them.  You can’t believe them. 

Where do they get off?
-Me

Dear Liz,
I want to know: how do you keep the one that got away?
-Chris Brookline, MA

Hello Slim,

When we first discussed this question in time immemorial, you and I were thinking about different people.  But now, we are thinking about different, different people.  These days, I’m convinced that it’s unwise to generalize about relationships. Plus, get over it.  There’s so much more to life than love.  Like: human love.

How can you keep the one that got away?  The answer is simple:  Try as hard as you can, and never allow them to have left you.  The execution is likewise simple:  Relax.  Trust in yourself, and know that no matter what you do or don’t do or say, he or she will always be the one that got away.  From you.

Gee Love,
-Me