Liz’s Advice Blog

Hi Liz,
How are you?
-bg

Dear Bill,

It’s all starting to collapse.  I feel like nothing I do will ever level the enormous advice hole that my friends show me daily.  None of you know how to do anything correctly. 

I feel like I just keep watching you shoot yourselves in the foot. 

All-purpose advice

1) Martin Heidegger philosophized that a courageous anxiety about death (being-toward-death) gives man an "impassioned freedom towards death."

-

2.1) To have a child is to have social cachet.  It changes the way strangers on the subway view you. 

2.2) Krumping the stripper dance also changes the way they view you. 

 3) This is how a classically composed animal picture should look.  Not the style of the composition, not the content, not the spirit, not the spirit of the style; the inclusion of a diaper.

-

-

Healthily hellbent on being hopelessly deathbound,
-Me

Hi Cuz,

Have you heard this one?  (A door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnessman told it to me.)

A couple of newlyweds celebrate their honeymoon in Honolulu, Hawaii.  One week later, they return home.  After spending their first full day in domestic routine, they lie down to bed together.

The husband, who is a deep-voiced New Yorker, says to his bride, "Janet, have you seen my penis?"

To this, the wife, in a breathy voice that betrays her naiveté, says, "No, Brian.  Where was the last place you put it?"

The husband says, "I certainly had it in the kitchen tonight."

"Did you put it on the ledge of the sink when you went to do the dishes?"

"Janet.  Of course I did.  I didn’t want it to fall into the disposal." 

At this point, the wife starts to get upset, and she says, "Oh Brian, you didn’t lose it in the garbage disposal, did you?"

"I don’t know if I lost it; that’s why I’m asking you."

"Well I don’t know why you’re asking me.  It’s not my responsibility.  It’s your responsibility!  Go look on the sink."

"I am going.  I am putting on my housecoat and slippers, so I’m obviously going."

So the husband feels his way into the kitchen, and when he looks on the sink ledge, it is sort of next to it, on the counter.

Woody, did you make dinner, or did you do the dishes?  You probably did what you prefer to do.  If you did the dishes, you are straight.  I believe this.  I have always believed this, and this is how I divine the paths of nations.  I know that one gay man is capable of doing the dishes for another gay man.  It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Dear Liz,

I want to know if Furries are born or made. I think they are made — by experiments like the gorp one. I just want to tell you the truth.

-Matt Inthecity, NY

P.S. This Moby video for "Beautiful" [features fursuits]

-

-the jump-

-

Dear Fuzzball,

First, I owe you exiguous apologia for taking so long with your previous question and a nice spot of it on top for never answering it. You wanted to know about the legendary hipster Steve Aoki of whom your top favorite blog, Blue States Lose, frequently makes mockery-stock. Sorry. Life is what happens while you try to get me to do things.

‘Tis the Season! With your expertise in science journalism, you’ve already done this question a proper treatment on your blog, The Silver Jacket, and you still passed it on to me. What’s the angle? Do you want to fight me?

‘Tis the Season! Let’s tease this question apart. Furries are people with fursuit fetishes or, possibly, healthy, inter-adult expressions with fur suits. The gorping experiment is intended to test children’s biases about transitive verbs. Frankly I don’t see the connection.

‘Tis the Season! What are you doing the 31st? I’m going to be an orang utan.

‘Tisn’t the Season? Reaching as far back as 1982, mankind has taken its most vulnerable into mirrorless rooms and suited them in ridiculous costume. When I was a kid, they marched us around the perimeter of the kindergarten, took pictures, even. They took pictures.

This Fursuit Thing is Disturbing! I don’t know how much you’ve experimented with it, or how well you understand reversed-role gorping, but I’m just about sick to my stomach. When will a ticket come along to will save us from these inexorable, 50mm-deep social trends?

I Would Vote for a president who runs on anti-meme. How does it work? It works on the same principle as a hybrid — it stores up potential energy. Every time you stop yourself from creating a delightful and idiotic social trend, the energy gets stored in a battery. That battery is around eight pounds, and the presidential hopeful runs around with it, hitting people. I believe, and I’m not 100% certain about this by the way — it will also work on the reportage of social trends. I think it runs on any wasted energy.

Ask a Car Guy. I don’t know what’s up with the gilded youth of the nightclub set. They are potent with money and rich with passion, and the camera loves them. They know how to wear their hair and clothes in engaging styles. And they are how I know western culture has begun The Glory Days or, I’ll also accept, The Delicious Sepsis.

Flipping through my famous friends in the weekly face magazines and 30 days to go,

-Me