Alien Trouble
Is a man gay if he is attracted to the larger and stronger (but still sexually ambiguous) sex of a species of extraterrestrials…assuming that this sex of aliens has one hole and the smaller has 2 holes below the "waist"?
-S. Woodrow Tempe, AZ
Hi Cuz,
Have you heard this one? (A door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnessman told it to me.)
A couple of newlyweds celebrate their honeymoon in Honolulu, Hawaii. One week later, they return home. After spending their first full day in domestic routine, they lie down to bed together.
The husband, who is a deep-voiced New Yorker, says to his bride, "Janet, have you seen my penis?"
To this, the wife, in a breathy voice that betrays her naiveté, says, "No, Brian. Where was the last place you put it?"
The husband says, "I certainly had it in the kitchen tonight."
"Did you put it on the ledge of the sink when you went to do the dishes?"
"Janet. Of course I did. I didn’t want it to fall into the disposal."
At this point, the wife starts to get upset, and she says, "Oh Brian, you didn’t lose it in the garbage disposal, did you?"
"I don’t know if I lost it; that’s why I’m asking you."
"Well I don’t know why you’re asking me. It’s not my responsibility. It’s your responsibility! Go look on the sink."
"I am going. I am putting on my housecoat and slippers, so I’m obviously going."
So the husband feels his way into the kitchen, and when he looks on the sink ledge, it is sort of next to it, on the counter.
Woody, did you make dinner, or did you do the dishes? You probably did what you prefer to do. If you did the dishes, you are straight. I believe this. I have always believed this, and this is how I divine the paths of nations. I know that one gay man is capable of doing the dishes for another gay man. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
October 24th, 2006 at 9:51 am
…Still, the husband pretends he does not find it, and fifty years later, the couple are eating dinner at the Yacht Club on Nantucket Island. The wife orders mackerel. He has his penis.
October 24th, 2006 at 9:51 am
The waiter comes back to the table and says he’s sorry but they are out of mackerel, and wouldn’t they perhaps like something else?
The husband says he would like his life back.
October 24th, 2006 at 9:52 am
The waiter obliges and brings back a watch with the date on it, so that any period in time may be recalled to life. “What would the gentleman like to do over?”
The husband thinks for a minute, then looks at his wife. “Nothing.”
The wife orders whitefish, and when she goes to cut into her fish with a knife, she hits a gold band.
They both feel sad inside for the fish that would have proposed to the husband’s penis, were the two in question not both either dead or dead to all joy.
October 24th, 2006 at 9:52 am
“Bryan,” the wife says with a wizened smile, “You never did show me your penis.”
“YOU never asked.”
October 24th, 2006 at 9:53 am
So he showed her and it was great! She had never seen it, and she was blind, so she didn’t realize he was instead showing her the whitefish, and the gold band inside it turned into a magic ring of contraception that fit around her uterus. The two became young persons again, full of magic joy. But bad fortune fell as the wife began to practice promiscuity, and this begat many woes. They both recognized the need for some moral code to guide their actions. The ring represents false religion.