Liz’s Advice Blog

Dear Liz,
I am writing to you, a Freudian, for guidance. I had a dream last night. Can I tell you about it?
Maria N. Andover, MA

Oh, honey,

If I were you, I would never tell people my dreams. Nobody wants to hear your dreams. While they may fascinate you to no end, you can rest assured they are dull, dull, dull.

Last night I dreamt that Stephen Colbert was on a TV show stage saying he was "this close to getting the role of Michael Bluth" on Arrested Development. Then it all started to go down hill. He started gesticulating wildly and saying he "needs" to be funny, and then he started insulting the host of the show.

But before that, I was on an airship where it was very difficult to get a drink. On the airship, everyone (including Henry Winkler) promised me drinks, but it was the hardest thing to actually get one. I finally gave up and started walking to the front stairs, because I had prescient knowledge that the ship was going down.

I knew the safest place to be on a crashing airship was the front stairs. After the crash, I just walked outside onto a city street.  It was the upper west side of Manhattan. I ran the blazes away. I ran past school kids. I sought out the least populated streets. An SUV with tinted windows followed me.  There were three SUVs.

Some guy got out from one of them and chased me to the ground and pinned me. He shown some light in my eyes and took my picture. Then he took a picture of the picture. He was like, "that’s beautiful."

He put me in the SUV, where I met two kids.  They were a teenage girl and a kid. The guy was kind of like an official. He said my powers of intuition were insanely keen. I was a prognosticator mutant, or so I gathered. 

The kids wanted some Burger King. I said I knew where one was, but we’d better go another way, to avoid the giant airship crash that’s blocking traffic. 

They looked at each other like, "Here we go again," because they were so amazed by my prescient knowledge.

You could pay someone to listen to my dreams,
-Me

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 4th, 2006 at 2:35 pm and is filed under Bombasticism. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.