Grossness, Dirtiness
Dear Liz,
How do you get over the grossness and dirtiness of your partner’s past relationships?
Sincerely,
Addie Massachusetts, MA
Dear Addie,
How do I get over it? I think what you mean is how does one get over it, and that is what I will outline for you.
It is my policy to fight feelings with feelings, and if need be, fire.
Begin with guided imagery. In a seated or reclined position, relax every muscle in your body. Say "thank you" to each of your 206 bones. Apologize to your 360 orifices. Do this mentally, with the orificial equivalent of your third eye. Clear your mind. Are you relaxed?
Imagine a room. It can be any kind of room you can visualize. This is your room. Now–you are stuck with it. But since you are stuck with it, enjoy your time there. You owe it to everyone.
There is a chair in the room that is the exact shape of the real chair you’re in. Look at it, and as soon as you do, transport yourself into the chair. It is magical and it will conform to your body in exactly the way you predict. Now relax in your chair in your mind.
Your relaxed mind is capable of doing amazing things. It is now possible for you to imagine the best memory you have from all of your past relationships. Search yourself for this memory. It floats into your head when you are lonely, or when you are alone and in full acceptance of life. The memory is pure pleasure. It is the best time you have ever spent with another person, or at least the most intense. The memory makes all your pains worthwhile. Because of it, you look back on your relationship with gratitude, among whatever other conflicted emotions you may stew.
Take some time to enjoy this. What textures can you feel with your fingertips? What smells can you regain with your gray matter marbles? Whenever you are ready…
Imagine your ideal partner. She can be the partner you now have, or one you would rather have. She walks in the door and says, "I can see what you’re thinking. You are projecting it all over the house, dumdum."
Stay within your peaceful place. Affirm yourself. Say, "Addie, It’s my mind and I can think about what I want to. It’s none of your business what I did, and I cannot change the past." Do not fight yourself. Accept your images, your memories, your joy.
Now, your ideal partner runs to the sink to throw up because seeing your past makes her feel gross and dirty.
Calmly point out that she can never be happy seeing your memories. If you had no past, she’d think you were pathetic. There is no past that she’d happily welcome into her genius mind, not lest your last girlfriend were a cartoon character, not even lest.
Imagine her, yelling, yelling. And whereas at first you may have felt guilty and sorry for her, now you would do anything if she could only get over it. It’s not worth it, you tell her. (Of course, what you mean is, it’s not worth it to you.)
Now ease back into consciousness. Slowly become aware of your surroundings …gravity …the difficulty of breathing …the stress your boss and loved ones put on you …all the things you forgot to do today …how much money your classmates are making …the expectations you had that didn’t materialize …the fatalism of realistic expectations …and the impossibility of ever achieving satisfying closeness with anyone. Consider underwriting a quarter life crisis. Breathe in tension and negativity. Breathe out your childish idealism.
Fighting firefighting fire with firefighting firefighting,
-Me
